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[personal profile] geekymommy
Last week I had crazy paranoid thoughts about my maternity leave.

I normally don’t like taking more than a few days off at a time. A week off at the longest. I was raised with the belief that absence needs to be justified. The only way I got out of going to school, was I had to be vomiting or dying. Maybe this kind of thinking during my childhood has made me extremely paranoid about missing days. I have to severely justify to myself why I can’t go to work if I need to take a sick day. I am just not comfortable missing time and information. I have heard too many stories of someone going away on vacation and then coming back and being told "Oh, we no longer need you!" That is a terrifying prospect to me.

By my calculations and going by my EDD, I will 39 paid days (A combination of 225 hours of sick time and earned vacation time) and 1 paid holiday during my maternity leave. That’s 8 weeks. Yeah I could do FMLA and get 4 additional weeks but they would be unpaid and I’m just not comfortable with that. My bills need to be paid.

What set off the paranoid thoughts were that realization that I could go earlier then my EDD on June 25th. It’s just an estimation after all and I’m a big supporter of “Baby comes when baby is ready”. What makes that notion bothersome to me is that I recently received a promotion of Supervisor at my job and at my job there is a probation period of 6 months after promotions. My probation ends on June 21st. My plan right now is to work till the baby comes. So far, it’s going well. The pregnancy has been good to me. I haven’t had any sickness or severe nauseas. I still have three months to or so to go, so a part of me is waiting for the other foot to drop. Maybe the third trimester will be terrible compared to the first two but right now, I’m still going with my plan of working till I pop.

When I’m gone, there will need to be a replacement supervisor to pick up my slack during those 8 weeks. At a recent training one of the nurses had a mentioned who my potential replacement was. We worked together as assessors, we’re friendly with each other, she came to my wedding and one of the more awkward things about my promotion to supervisor was that I would be taking the place of the person that had supervised her. She applied for the position and I really believed she was going to get it at the time. I have no idea why they picked me over her and that lack of confidence started the paranoid thoughts.

What if they like her in the position better then they like me?

What if they think she’s more organized then me?

What if she’s more helpful to the other supervisors then me?

It took nearly all week for me to realize that the snatching the job out of me for my temporary replacement would be an illegal move. My father had actually asked me when I expressed my fears to him what made me think I was less qualified then her. It made me question why I am doubting myself so much. I would hope it’s only because this is a new position and I am pregnant that are causing me to feel vulnerable but I even remember times even as an assessor where I would feel like I am on top of my game, impressing my superiors and then I make one mistake and my confidence shrivels down to nothingness.

I should know my worth. I should have faith that the system won’t screw me over just because I am a woman and pregnant woman who will have what some companies view as “Outside barriers to completing the job” I have to have faith that this job is not like that and that all I do for them will be honored and respected.
Most importantly though I think I should remember that this person that will likely be subbing for me is not a conniving person. She is also a mother. She knows what I’m going through. She would not stoop to subterfuge in order to gain an upper hand.

I will keep all these things in mind to stave off the crazy. I shouldn’t stress about time off. This is time I have earned through my work. This is time I will need to heal and time I will need to bond with the baby.


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May 2016

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