geekymommy: (Default)
Today is 29 days till my EDD. Baby could come before or baby could come after. Not too far after though. Back in April I was diagnosed with Gestational DM. I had really hoped to avoid it but from my readings, it seems that sometimes it happens even if you take precautions. So, I am one of those lucky ones.

With GD, the perinatal office has stated that they don’t normally allow the mother to go more than two days over her due date and potentially, I could be induced. I would probably still put up a fight as to WHY it’s would be necessary to induce me because I believe that a person needs to be an advocate for themselves or have an advocate when it comes to doctors and medicines. I know that doctors have medical knowledge I do not but I also have knowledge they do not. I know my body more than they do and I have a right to question them.

I really would rather not be induced. I really would like the labor process to being on its own. I don’t feel comfortable with the idea that induction can fail and then I would be required to have a C-section. I want to experience labor and delivery naturally. I will accept medical intervention if it’s needed but if it’s not medically necessary, I don’t see the need. I see it more as doctors taking an opportunity. The medical profession is a business, birth is a business. Every procedure and test I agree to have is more money for them. I don’t know exactly how much my insurance is paying them-I don’t have to pay out of pocket-but I’m sure it’s substantial.

Since my last ultra sound a week ago, the doctor estimates my baby is in the 85% for weight. He said she is estimated to being close to 6 pounds. She’s not too big but apparently on the bigger end. They aren’t saying for sure right now that I will have to be induced or just have a C-section. As long as I can keep my sugars under control, it shouldn’t make her grow massively. Still even if that works out and she isn’t a massive baby that they would be afraid to let me give birth vaginally; there is still the still the risk that they will decide I need to be induced, the induction fails and I have to have a C-section.

I really hope baby decides to come on her own.
geekymommy: (Default)
Last week I had crazy paranoid thoughts about my maternity leave.

I normally don’t like taking more than a few days off at a time. A week off at the longest. I was raised with the belief that absence needs to be justified. The only way I got out of going to school, was I had to be vomiting or dying. Maybe this kind of thinking during my childhood has made me extremely paranoid about missing days. I have to severely justify to myself why I can’t go to work if I need to take a sick day. I am just not comfortable missing time and information. I have heard too many stories of someone going away on vacation and then coming back and being told "Oh, we no longer need you!" That is a terrifying prospect to me.

By my calculations and going by my EDD, I will 39 paid days (A combination of 225 hours of sick time and earned vacation time) and 1 paid holiday during my maternity leave. That’s 8 weeks. Yeah I could do FMLA and get 4 additional weeks but they would be unpaid and I’m just not comfortable with that. My bills need to be paid.

What set off the paranoid thoughts were that realization that I could go earlier then my EDD on June 25th. It’s just an estimation after all and I’m a big supporter of “Baby comes when baby is ready”. What makes that notion bothersome to me is that I recently received a promotion of Supervisor at my job and at my job there is a probation period of 6 months after promotions. My probation ends on June 21st. My plan right now is to work till the baby comes. So far, it’s going well. The pregnancy has been good to me. I haven’t had any sickness or severe nauseas. I still have three months to or so to go, so a part of me is waiting for the other foot to drop. Maybe the third trimester will be terrible compared to the first two but right now, I’m still going with my plan of working till I pop.

When I’m gone, there will need to be a replacement supervisor to pick up my slack during those 8 weeks. At a recent training one of the nurses had a mentioned who my potential replacement was. We worked together as assessors, we’re friendly with each other, she came to my wedding and one of the more awkward things about my promotion to supervisor was that I would be taking the place of the person that had supervised her. She applied for the position and I really believed she was going to get it at the time. I have no idea why they picked me over her and that lack of confidence started the paranoid thoughts.

What if they like her in the position better then they like me?

What if they think she’s more organized then me?

What if she’s more helpful to the other supervisors then me?

It took nearly all week for me to realize that the snatching the job out of me for my temporary replacement would be an illegal move. My father had actually asked me when I expressed my fears to him what made me think I was less qualified then her. It made me question why I am doubting myself so much. I would hope it’s only because this is a new position and I am pregnant that are causing me to feel vulnerable but I even remember times even as an assessor where I would feel like I am on top of my game, impressing my superiors and then I make one mistake and my confidence shrivels down to nothingness.

I should know my worth. I should have faith that the system won’t screw me over just because I am a woman and pregnant woman who will have what some companies view as “Outside barriers to completing the job” I have to have faith that this job is not like that and that all I do for them will be honored and respected.
Most importantly though I think I should remember that this person that will likely be subbing for me is not a conniving person. She is also a mother. She knows what I’m going through. She would not stoop to subterfuge in order to gain an upper hand.

I will keep all these things in mind to stave off the crazy. I shouldn’t stress about time off. This is time I have earned through my work. This is time I will need to heal and time I will need to bond with the baby.
geekymommy: (Default)
When I was in college I took a genetics class to fulfill my required science credits. Silly me decided that Biology 101 would be too boring. I didn't terribly in the class but it was certainly designed for science majors and not a Psychology major who was taking it "just because...".

Aside from making me a little paranoid that one day my genes could switch on something and my body decides "Hey, you're allergic to sun now, have fun." What I took away from that class was the thought that if I was going have children, I wanted to have my first child before the age of thirty.

As of today I am 21 weeks pregnant and in 15 days I will be 30-years-old. Close enough!

I'm actually very happy that I am having my first child now and not earlier. To be completely honest, it was not till about a month or so before we found out that I had conceived did I have this feeling that I am truly ready to no longer be selfish. I felt that I was mentally and emotionally in a place where I can-with the help of my husband-take care of another human being. To me, this feeling was very important. Yes, I still have my doubts about this life altering step. I am not saying that I have an abundance of over confidence that I will be the best mom ever. This will be a challenge. This will be possibly the biggest challenge that we will face. I feel that I am ready for all the frustrating, exhausting, thrilling, terrifying, funny, mind blowing moments that parenthood will bring. If it's not challenging, it's not worthwhile in the end. It's what I tell my husband constantly when he gets frustrated with a video game where he's dying over and over and over again.

I'm sure I'll be telling that exact same thing to myself many more times over the next 18 years.

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Valerie

May 2016

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